LotR The True Story
by Elschel-and-Juldir
Summary: You want to know what it is really about the One Ring? And why Gandalf is becoming a Rapper? Read this!


THE FELLOWSHIP - THE TRUE STORY  
  
authors: Elschel and Juldir  
  
persons: Frodo - is addicted to chewing gum and thinks, that he is absolutely normal...  
  
Sam - he falls in love for Frodo  
  
Merry and Pippin - have a secret relationship  
  
Gimli - is convinced that he loves woman  
  
Boromir - proves Gimli the opposite  
  
Gandalf - lets the fellowship mutate into a fag-gang. In addition he searches for his Schroedel-Book and finds no help in his reference book, too.  
  
Legolas - develops deep feelings for Aragorn and is the gayest and most conceited of all. In addition he smoothes his hair with pig fat.  
  
Aragorn - is actually in love with Arwen and his sword...  
  
Orcs - mutate with Sarumans help into divorce-judges to prevent all homosexual marriages  
  
Introduction: It is the One Ring, the wedding ring, eligible from all the gays of middleearth. But now it has to call the Council of Elrond to decide, who has bought the ring... (Frodo sees in the ring a substitute for his lost chewing gum)  
  
WARNING: We have written this story with figures which we have borrowed. We point at the fact, that we don't owe "The Lord of the Rings" and the included figures and don't see this as our mental property. We don't make money of this amateur-fiction. The action of this story is free invented. "The Lord of the Rings" is and will always be the mental property of J.R.R. Tolkien.  
  
It starts with the Council of Elrond... Shortly before the council meeting Boromir gave all of them a good dressing- down because he wanted to know who has stolen his chewing gums. But nobody wanted to admit it.  
  
When finally all sat in a circle, Frodo had to get out the ring. All of them looked at each other and Legolas glanced at Aragorn. The sight of the ring remembered Boromir of his lost chewing gum, he licked over his lips: "My chewing gum... it was so big!", he said, indicating with his hand approximately the size of his chewing gum. Frodo showed addiction behaviour cause he had no chewing gum, too. He already heard the ring whisper to him "Chew me... I taste gooood ... come oooveeer!"  
  
Meanwhile Elrond tried despairing to find out who has bought the ring. Boromir got up and said: "I have bought the ring 5 years ago in Rohan. There was a big shopping centre. They have had winter sale and I got him for 25 dollar. A bargain!"  
  
Aragorn rose up. "That's wrong. I have bought it last year on the Hornburg in Helms Deep. And it has only cost 19, 95 dollar!" , he objected.  
  
"There is no goldsmith", Boromir replied.  
  
"Of course there is one! His name is Halbarad. I was there as he bought it", Legolas answered.  
  
"You were there?!", Boromir shouted horrified. "Shit, nobody believes me when he has a witness...", he whispered hardly audible.  
  
"Now you are speechless, aren't you?", Legolas said perty.  
  
"Shut up, Legolas", Aragorn hissed in elvish, so that nobody could understand him [there weren't hardly any elves there... *ironic*]  
  
"Now I give up, then take it." Boromir was offended.  
  
"Aragorn is right. He has bought it.", Gandalf interfered in.  
  
"There is only one way. The Ring must be destroyed", Elrond decided. Boromir shook sadly his head.  
  
"Whereupon we still wait?" Gimli tried to hit the ring with his axt into pieces, which thoroughly failed. Instead he fell on his wobble-ass.  
  
Shocked Frodo slapped with his head against his much too big chair and took whining hold of his sore head.  
  
"This fucking ring can not be destroyed like this, Gimli Gloinssohn", Elrond said dignified. "We must find a mountain somewhere which is owned by Sauron and where lava flows inside, and then throw in the ring. But where you find this I can't say."  
  
"Do you want to set a drain from Sauron on fire and throw it in, so that all explodes and the shit whistles past your head?!?!", Boromir yelled at Elrond. "In addition the drains in Mordor are only this big." And with the fingers Boromir approximately indicated the size. "And the Orcs don't have windows in their shithouses, there it stinks to high heaven!"  
  
"Then you can throw it right in the Mount Doom", Legolas objected. "The Ring must be destroyed."  
  
"And you think you're the one to do this?", Gimli irritated.  
  
"And when it fails, what then?", Boromir asked. "What happens when Sauron comes with his carpet beater and tans our hide?"  
  
"Rather I would die than to be trashed because of an elf!" Gimli almost bursted with rage.  
  
Elves, dwarves and men attacked each other, only Aragorn sat quiet on his chair. Meanwhile Frodo imagined that the ring speaks louder to him: "Chew meeee, I taste like straaawwberryyyy..." Then he decided to take "his chewing gum".  
  
"I take the chewing gum!" Frodo stand up, but nobody heard him, which wasn't surprising with his peep-voice. "I take it!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!", he yelled finally.  
  
Elrond startled, he was cross-legged fallen asleep in the meantime.  
  
"And by the way, Boromir, I have stolen your chewing gum", Frodo mentioned additionally. Boromir looked horrified.  
  
"I will help you, cause anyway you don't get this done alone." Gandalf stepped to Frodo.  
  
"If I can save you with my life or my death, I will do it. " Aragorn went to the two. "You have my sword-cleanser."  
  
Legolas, who, of course, don't wanted to let his Aragorn alone, said: "And you have my strawberry-shampoo."  
  
"And my shaver!" Gimli wanted to go with them, too. While he joined the other companions, Legolas casted furtive glances at Aragorn.  
  
"You are deciding our destiny, little Mr. Clean. So I probably have to go with you. Maybe you give me sometime my chewing gum back." Boromir stepped to the little group.  
  
Sam shouted: "Hey, that this will be alright, without me Frodo goes nowhere!" He crept out of the bushes and joined them.  
  
Elrond criticized: "Even if Frodo is invited to a secret consultation and you're not, you two are not to separate."  
  
Merry and Pippin hurried to them. "Then we come with you. Basta."  
  
"9 gays...", Elrond mumbled. "This is going to be enjoyable..."  
  
Frodo got at farewell a dirt-cheap H&M - coat of chain-mail and a match- sword which hadn't hurt a beetle, from Bilbo. And so the Fellowship was on the way of their journey.  
  
The way led over the Caradhras and through Moria...  
  
Gandalf who led them, as always, wrong, brought them exact on the Caradhras. Legolas suddenly heard a yodel.  
  
But what they didn't know: Saruman was again climbed on his tower and sang: "Weee aare the chaaampioooons!!!!" Gandalf said: "I'll tell you what it is all about!" Since he had taken singing lessons, he rapped: "Lose yourself in the music..."  
  
Saruman didn't miss this and he sang much louder. But then there was an avalanche because of the extreme false tones.  
  
All of them got the snow in the cakehole and Legolas was horrified, cause his hairstyle was destroyed.  
  
Boromir, worried about this, screamed: "Legolas, do you have pig fat with you?!?!"  
  
"But you know that he does not!!!!!!", Aragorn shouted.  
  
"We can go through Moria. My cousin Balin has massive pig fat!", Gimli interfered.  
  
(Meanwhile Saruman opens his songbook in his tower to learn a new song...)  
  
Gandalf said: "Let Frodo decide what to do."  
  
Frodo, who had just dreamed of a monster-like chewing gum, startled.  
  
He answered chewing gum chomping: "We go shrough the minesh of Moria."  
  
And so they walked in goose-march, Gandalf first, to the gate...  
  
There was written: "Here lives Balin, the fatty sow of Moria. If you are a friend, say wobble-ass and come in!"  
  
But Gandalf, who had read wrinkled-ass instead of wobble-ass, stood for hours before that and tried swearwords. The others, who sat irritated near, heard only asshole, idiot, clumsy clot...  
  
Meanwhile Aragorn wore Sam out, cause Sam wanted to throw his sword- cleanser in the lake; what he did, too. After that Aragorn became angry and slouched the pony in the ass, so that it ran away frightened. "Move your fatty ass, you stupid Bill-cattle!", Aragorn screamed afterwards.  
  
Boromir had noticed on their way that Gimli was really cute. Merry and Pippin necked anyway the whole time. And Sam flirted permanent with Frodo, which Frodo first found annoying, but then he liked it. Gandalf hoped despairing that he will meet there his ex, Gollum, because he still idolized him. Meanwhile Legolas started flirtation attempts with Aragorn, who finally reacted after 20 attempts.  
  
When Gandalf sank on a stone and mumbled: "Earlier it was different...and better...this technology nowadays...", Frodo suggested, he should say wobble-ass in elvish. Gandalf, who had tried quite all swearwords, said: "Mellass!" The gate opened.  
  
Everyone hopped in, cause it had slowly got cold. Inside Gimli got a wail- spasm because all of his relatives were dead.  
  
Legolas drew an arrow out of the head of a dead dwarf and said (bright spark *ironic*): "Orcs!"  
  
Suddenly an oversized squid-cattle pulled at Frodos legs so that he came a cropper and his chewing gum flews out of his mouth. While he was flung through the air he screamed again and again: "My cheeewiiing guuuuuum!!!!" Aragorn, who just wanted to dive for his sword-cleanser, waved about his hand with his sword and freed therefore Frodo, who was caught by Boromir. Meanwhile Legolas tried permanent to protect his "Ari" from the cattle and to kill it, but he never hit it. Until one of his arrows went in Gimlis direction, bounced off his wobble-ass, flew a curve and hit the cattle exact in the nose. After that it spat out the sword-cleanser. Therefore they had had everything they wanted. Frodo quickly drew his chewing out of the mud and put it in his mouth again. Boromir took Gimli in his arms, Merry and Pippin hugged each other, Legolas pulled "his Ari" with him, Sam and Frodo clung at each other and everyone ran with his partner in the darkness (Except Gandalf, he rans alone cause he had not yet found his ex).  
  
In the dark could be heard two moaning voices. And when Gandalf puts on his Ikea-lamp again, Aragorn dressed himself quickly and Legolas, who had stood with him in a corner, looked veeery innocent. [Ya know... ;-)]  
  
Gandalf, who hadn't noticed anything, said: "I guess soon we grope in the dark, my extension lead reaches not much longer..."  
  
After that they went on until they came to a place, which Gandalf couldn't remember: "Earlier it looked differently."  
  
Everyone sat down. Boromir beside Aragorn, behind stood Legolas and looked very jealously down to the two men, in which his ass smoked with anger. Merry and Pippin threw each other in a corner and necked. Gimli sat nearby and only shook his head. Sam and Frodo slowly got closer. Until Frodo sat down beside Gandalf and asked him, which hypocrite permanent crept after them. "That's my ex, Gollum.", said Gandalf only. "You're gay, too????" Frodo was horrified. But then he talked for ages with Gandalf about homosexual relationships, until Gandalf finally remembered where they had to go.  
  
Then they queered [to queer - we take this as "go like a gay"] down the stairs and Gimli ran into a chamber, hit his head again a rock and screamed: "Fuckin' bullshit!!! My cousin is dead!"  
  
Everyone strolled in, except Aragorn and Legolas, Merry and Pippin, they went arm in arm. (Gandalf had finally decided to take someone else, not Gollum.)  
  
Gandalf found beside the stone his dead mother-in-law, who had borrowed his book 15 years ago and hadn't brought it back.  
  
He took the completely dusty book in the hand and sites fell out. "How did she attended my book?!?!" Gandalf was horrified.  
  
Legolas asked Aragorn: "Have you liked this just now?" Aragorn only nodded.  
  
Meanwhile Pippin examined a skeleton, which hung over the edge of a fountain. But cause he was too awkward, it flew backward, together with the iron chain, and down the fountain. Gandalf yelled at him: "Clumsy clot!" The others shouted in chorus: "Idiot!!!"  
  
"I knew that nothing can get with so many gays...", Gandalf muttered to himself. "You must just say!", the others bleated. But this all was interrupted by drum beats and Gandalf turned slowly and shocked to the others: "My stove's still on!"  
  
Boromir just wanted to slam the door when already arrows sizzled past him. Masses of orcs ran in their direction and were slaughtered by them. Till a gigantic shapeless cattle came through the door.  
  
"It's my stove monster!!!", shouted Gandalf. This immediately attacked Frodo, and tried with a sharp thing to break his H&M-coat of chain-mail. Frodo got unconscious, cause he thought, it managed this. When the cattle was finally defeated, Aragorn grabbed Frodo's hair and pulled him up, so that he almost broke his neck.  
  
Sam shouted: "He lives! Yeeeaaah!", and kissed him. Gimli, still convinced that he isn't gay, closed his eyes.  
  
Everyone ran out fast and into a dark floor, where once more the stupid orcs waited for them. These just wanted to threw themselves on the fresh meat, when fire could be seen of far. "Shit, now comes my pizza!", said Gandalf. "You're not allowed to let your stove on, otherwise your pizza will turn into a monster, like mine...Forget the dinner." Merry and Pippin were most shocked about the last sentence.  
  
They ran and ran, till Boromir, mutated into a clumsy clot, almost fell down a precipice, but he was held tightly by Legolas. Boromir banged fully with his ass onto Legolas, who was almost not able to breathe and started panting. Aragorn and the others were already ahead and run downstairs. Legolas, who certainly wanted to go behind Aragorn, jumped from above almost on his head, but landed directly behind him. Gandalf rapped already the whole time "Lose yourself..." and when Aragorn yelled at him, why he's doing this, he said it encourages him.  
  
In the meantime the stairs were broken in front of them. Legolas hopped on the other side, Gandalf after him, Merry and Pippin within the arms of Boromir, Sam was thrown by Aragorn and Gimli wanted certainly to jump alone, without help. This failed, and Legolas tore almost his beard off him when he wanted to pull him up. Aragorn and Frodo were still on the other side when a rock behind them crashed down and they stood only on a little boulder. This swayed back and forth, finally forward, to the site where the others already stood. Legolas pushed Gandalf aside, stood at the edge, stared at Aragorn and shouted: "Come!!!" Aragorn jumped and landed in Legolas' arms. (Frodo was caught by Gandalf.) Legolas immediately kissed him, overjoyed that he still lived. "Would you marry me?", he panted. But Aragorn didn't listen to him, instead snatched Frodo and ran. When (almost) everyone stood on the end of the bridge, Gandalf stopped in the middle of the bridge. "My extension lead reaches not further!"  
  
The others turned horrified. Suddenly a balrog-like pizza came floating. Gandalf fought despairing against his burned pizza, but it whipped with its cooking spoon his Ikea-lamp out of his hand. With a final stroke it let him fell, so that he had to clung with his fingers at the edge of the broken bridge. He said only: "Dinner gone..." Then he fell with the pizza in the depth. The remaining companions ran outside.  
  
Everyone wailed, cause now they couldn't eat pizza. Except Aragorn, who was busied with cleaning his beloved sword.  
  
"Legolas", called Aragorn. Legolas went over to him and Aragorn said: "Yes, I want to marry you." Legolas shone and put an engagement-ring on his finger.  
  
Frodo had left, cause he had a wail-spasm because of his lost chewing gum- pizza. But then all of them went on their way to Lorien.  
  
When they wandered through the forests, Frodo heard a female voice:  
  
"Frodo from the shire...........do you want a One-Night-Stand?"  
  
He startled. "But I am gay...", he thought.  
  
Sam asked him: "Master Frodo, is it all right?"  
  
Frodo wanted to answer "Yes, darling", but suddenly he had an arrow directly in front of his gigantic eyes.  
  
Aragorn, who knew the elf in front of him, said: "Haldir of Lorien. Legolas and I are engaged." And he raised his hand with the engagement-ring.  
  
"Engaged? Is everyone here gay???", he replied, himself speaking gay.  
  
The Fellowship nodded, except Gimli.  
  
"Come, she's waiting for you. But we must bandage the eyes of the dwarf. Otherwise he'll get a shock from the kissing gay pairs.", Haldir continued.  
  
Celeborn who was lightly drunk strode with Galadriel downstairs. "Here are ... ...sixteen?" He saw everyone double. "Oh sorry, eight.", he said in slow motion to the Fellowship when Galadriel hit him in secret.  
  
Aragorn thought: "Hopefully she doesn't see that I'm gay..."  
  
"I see, you are gay." Galadriel looked at Aragorn. He raised his hand to his forehead and thought: "Shit...."  
  
She looked everyone into the eyes and noticed that they all were queer. Boromir began to wail: ,,Yes, I'm in love with Gimli."  
  
Legolas walked with a carafe through the area. ,, A Wedding song for us. What are they singing? My heart isn't able to translate it. Cause my thoughts are with Aragorn." He turned to Frodo. He leaned back and thought: ,,Oh, my Sam."  
  
Boromir meanwhile held a long conversation with Aragorn: ,, I love Gimli. He's so. sweet, and the beard. so sexy!" Aragorn didn't say anything, only rolled with his eyes: ,,And I thought, I have a bad taste."  
  
It went on like this a long time.  
  
When everyone was already asleep, arm in arm of course, Frodo stood up and followed Galadriel, who ran back and forth like a headless chicken. He had to sprint quite beautifully, to could catch her up, and drove flat over Merry and Pippin at this. [Clumsy clot!] In her mirror he noticed the first time, that he has rather oversized eyes. Shocked he stumbled backwards. Because of this Galadriel gave a little phial of eye-drops to him. She said this would reduce his eyes a little.  
  
So they rowed in bulk the next day. Gimli had insisted on sitting in one boat with Legolas, because in no case he would go with Boromir. Legolas got a wail-cramp, because he certainly wanted to share one with Aragorn. He only stopped, when Aragorn promised him he would drive quite near to him. Suddenly they heard trampling from the East shore and voices resounded. They sounded like. Faint (from Linkin Park): "Divorce-judgeeeees!"  
  
Aragorn said:,, Shit, they want to depart us!"  
  
Legolas turned shocked:,,What?!?!"  
  
They passed the argonath. From a distance they saw a big rock rising out. ,,There is our church", said Aragorn to Legolas, with the finger indicating on the rock. They rowed to the shore. Boromir sat there, felt wounded in his honour and suddenly looked up: ,,Where´s Gimli?" Aragorn shrugged his shoulders. ,,Damn it.", Boromir was sad. Gimli bleated around. ,,So many gays here.one doesn't bear this. constantly neck here neck there.I get a quirk here."  
  
,,Shut up Gimli, we just love each other!" replied Aragorn. Legolas came to him. ,,You've said this beautifully, my Darling." Legolas looked longingly into the wood.  
  
,,How would it be Ari, if we.you know.preferred wedding night.hehehe.there into the bushes?"  
  
,,No, Gimli boils now already with anger, if he catches us then", replied Aragorn. ,, But Ari.", Legolas shot evil looks at Gimli.  
  
Merry asked: ,,Where´s Frodo?"  
  
,,Boromir is with him", answered Aragorn.  
  
Meanwhile Boromir tried desperating to decrease the wedding ring from Frodo, to give him Gimli on St. Valentines Day. Frodo, clumsy like he was, fell to the floor and pulled a wall-mart-bag over his head, in the hope, he would be invisible.  
  
Boromir, just as stupid, also believed this and wanted to run back to the camp, and drove flat over the ,,invisible" Frodo and started wailing because he had a microscopic small scratch on his knee.  
  
Frodo slapped down onto the flagstones and just wanted to burst into tears when Aragorn came.  
  
Frodo stepped back and said: "Go away, you want to nick my chewing gum- ring, too!" Aragorn extended his hand and a Russian-sounding voice came from the ring: "Aragorn!" He pressed the Russian-ring into his paws and answered: "Take it, it's only a bootleg from Poland." In this very moment the divorce-judges made a run up the hill. Frodo hotfooted it out of the place, as always and Aragorn presented his fresh polished sword to the divorce-judges.  
  
Frodo ran down the hill and, of course, stumbled and came a cropper again, in which he lost his chewing gum which he had just put in his mouth, too. Whimpering, he hid behind a tree. Merry and Pippin, who absolutely wanted, that Frodo and Sam get married, turned the divorce- judges away while they played ,,catch me" with them. Then, as they were almost caught,  
  
Boromir came rushing by. He slaughtered almost everyone, but because he was too silly, to make way, he got three arrows shot in by the divorce-judge.  
  
Merry and Pippin, who were anyway finally caught, let themselves carrying by the divorce judges, because they were too lazy, to walk until Isengard.  
  
Gimli, Legolas and Aragorn have heard Boromirs horn and Aragorn immediately made a run, in which he almost mate Legolas up.  
  
Aragorn made a fight with Lurtz, who grinned at him and wanted to steal his sword. Because of this Ari cut his head off. Then he ran to Boromir. Boromir asked him to say Gimli, that he loves him. As Boromir had fiddled the nape of his neck for a while and finally was dead, Aragorn kissed Boromir on the forehead. Legolas, who came just in that moment, said to Aragorn with deeply injured face: ,,You are unfaithful?" Gimli noticed then [finite!] that he was in love with Boromir all the time.  
  
Meanwhile Frodo stood at the shore of the Anduin and blubbed: ,,Which dress should I wear now at Legolas' and Aragorn's wedding? Blue or pink? I think pink. But blue underlines my eyes.And velvet or silk? Damn it, I always must take such decisions.Gandalf, if you just could help me now." he climbed into the boat and rowed in bulk.  
  
Sam came running by. ,, I want the pink dress! I! I! I!" Frodo whispered: ,,No Sam." Sam jumped into the river to swim to Frodo, which by he almost drowned. Frodo pulled him up. ,,We could make a Double-Wedding!" Sam was overjoyed and they hugged each other.  
  
"Aragorn, Gimli, come on! Frodo and Sam have reached the eastern shore!" Legolas looked at Aragorn, who strapped on the stolen arm guard. "You don't plan to follow them?" Legolas went on. "We have no longer power over their fate. Come, let's marry, if we get time now. But first we're going to hunt these loony divorce-judges, primarily cause they have nicked Merry and Pippin.", Aragorn replied and gave Legolas a kiss. Gimli looked sad, he would've liked to do this with Boromir.  
  
Then Aragorn turned away. "Only light baggage.", he said, plugged in himself twenty swords and ran away. Legolas, his whole lipstick was smudged, gave Gimli devastating looks. "Don't touch him, he's mine!!!"  
  
But Gimli already ran behind Aragorn. But the jealously elf wanted to be with Aragorn and pushed on his way the dwarf against a tree.  
  
To be continued.  
  
[Well, this is our first story. It's based on the film (*ggg* with a few little changes). Please inform us if there are any mistakes (cause we're German and translated our German-version) and what you think about this.] 


End file.
